I already have a digital recorder that I use as my audio journal but the sound quality is not good enough. I realized quickly that I needed two things - a small tascam digital recorder to record my new song ideas and a much better amplifier. So I'm working on committing to practicing my songs. I have to realize that I do have something to offer musicians both in my songs and in my voice and in myself. I feel very humble but I can't let that form into insecurity, the kind of insecurity that would block me from reaching out. And I think I'm afraid of the intimacy of working with others and yet I also think that is just what I need. In choosing to remain isolated I have cut myself off from experiencing and learning from musicians. I think dedicated musicians are brilliant and inspiring. I have spent very little time around any skilled musician, which is probably why I don't play well. To be around a guitarist would be such a blessing to me. I most definitely am a singer/songwriter, but I am not much of a musician and that's why, if I chose to embrace performing, I would need a band. I really believe in the last 25 years that I have written some good songs and that my voice, with some practice, could be good enough if I had the courage to sing in front of people. Reaching out to any of them would be a big deal for me. I live in a college town, so there are musicians around here. So I've been thinking about it the last couple of days. I asked the I Ching a few questions about it and the response was that it was a very good idea, but that I wasn't ready yet and had to prepare and practice first and just think about it. At first I dismissed the idea, but then it returned to me and I began thinking about it. My friend Sam said to me a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned that I had been working on some songs that what I needed was a band. And then there are the songs that I create and sing for myself. I still listen to music, but now it is so I can stretch and do some dance moves. I still read books, but more often than not it will be nonfiction. I still watch films, but more often than not it will be a documentary. I used to rely on fantasy in my imagination and through films, books and music. If anything they help to point out what I need to work on. Depression and discontent do come but they are not the foundations of my life. My life is mostly solitary and yet I like my company. One of the main changes in the last few years is that now I really do live in the present moment and there's a lot of peace in that kind of living. I feel very different from my former selves. The days of childhood and youth are long gone when Christmas had a special meaning, not anything religious, but just a time to come together as a family and eat a good home made meal. Tonight I will wrap presents for my brother and make up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. We will probably exchange presents at my brother's house and then I will head home for another quiet night. My parents are gone, my uncle lives in Chicago and my brother I will see tomorrow for a not very Christmasy meal of Chinese food at a Chinese restaurant in a nearby town. No lights, no decorations, just a fake tree with nothing on it.
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